In a nutshell, God just wouldn't leave me alone. In Pittsburgh, there was always someone leading a good example and pointing the way back to Jesus. By the time I got to Fort Lauderdale, a young couple moved next door right after getting married and they very enthusiastically introduced us to Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, prior to them I had been invited to a small christian group at AIFL where I was attending to get my bachelors and they encouraged me to find a home church which became CCFL.
I got saved in 2000 in Fort Lauderdale, FL and my husband and I attended CCFL from 1999 - 2013, with a break from 2002-03 when we lived in California for two years. While there I fell in love with the idea of being a good helpful person to the world. I didn't have much depth so while that seems like a long time to attend church, it was very much a come on Sunday, drink heavily throughout the week to deal with the stress of work (not saying CCFL advocated drinking, their message was don't do something that can cause another person to sin or lose their salvation and the pastor said he abstained from alcohol of his own choice). I got pregnant in 2008 and stopped drinking for awhile. I say this to just bring up the point that I had very little discipline, my church life was all about what more can I give monetarily, voluntarily, etc. So I gave during every initiative, there was the "What's Next Project" in 2013 where we gave $40 per month and I volunteered in the children's ministry once a week. I stayed busy, but never made one friend.
I was lacking in the tools to deal with stress, work balance, knowing my place in the home
It took coming back to my home church to learn discipline and worship that brings tears.
With the constant news of pedophiles and sexual misconduct in a variety of churches, one has to wonder if there are any safe churches left?
I've reached the conclusion that I attend a safe church, but it's not a popular church by any means. It's ultra-conservative and we've lost many over the years who prefer more flexibility in way of dress, or they are looking for a more modern worship service, or they remember some of the stricter ways from the pre-90's that are no longer followed today.
Say what you will about a strict church - we've been accused of legalism.
- legalism: excessive adherence to law or formula, dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith.
I've found that I can and do still find common ground with those who do not believe on the same lines as I do. I am certainly not of the mind that I can only go to church in one non-domination. In this day, when the Christian church is under constant attack, we need more than ever to have dialog, not walls.
There might even been some things that I don't fully agree with at my current church, but the benefits have so outweighed their importance that I choose to not be bothered by any small minor detail that doesn't fully agree with me.
When I first moved back to Maryland, I wondered if I could return to such a conservative church. I had grown used to Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale's performance style church. Big over the top song services with professional sound stage where video was projected onto a massive movie theater screen. You could watch from the cafeteria if you'd missed breakfast that morning, or the restaurant, or the coffee shop and get a little taste of church while having your breakfast, latte, or snack.
From 2012-2013, we had our worst year, I still to this day cannot put into words the things that happened that year so we'll just say it was our worst year. I realized with sudden clarity that I had no local friends that could support us. No one at church knew us. Sure they always preached at us to go get involved with a small group ministry, I tried, there were none that had childcare and with no local network we needed a group where we could go with the kids and fellowship together. I tried going solo but all they wanted to do was watch movies and after a few times I stopped going, then later the leader didn't even recognize me at a Casing Crowns concert! We felt so isolated. Suddenly the big church experience was just a show with no depth. I've never felt so discombobulated in my entire life.
In the summer of 2013, we moved back to Maryland where I grew up, and began attended the ultra-conservative church I had grown up in, primarily so the kids could see my mom/aunt/cousin regularly to be honest. Over time I found a depth of worship that I had never experienced before as an adult. The songs were old fashioned and they really exercised my lungs in a way that singing modern songs sung at CCFL never had, the songs there were one melody and repetitive. It took time for my voice box to remember the high notes! It took training. That surprised me to a large extent as I had given up on these old hymns for no good reason other than they just weren't sung any more in the big churches.
I relearned old lessons on sanctification, living a life free from sin - something that is not taught, there was always this vague teaching of grace covers all. Well that's convenient coming from CCFL's lead pastor caught in adultery in 2014! Nice way to cover up your sins buddy, tell us that grace covers all so we never truly learn that there is freedom from sin through salvation. I will never forget one sermon of his that stopped me cold in what may have been early spring 2013, hard to remember specifics. He said, and I can't remember the exact words, that grace covers sins after salvation and there is no perfect person and that the church would be shocked to learn what he struggles with in his personal life. He wanted us to know he was not perfect. He wanted us to not put him on a pedestal? I left that day and argued with my husband the entire way home that something was amiss. I had grown up learning that salvation means we live sin free, not continued grace for sins that we can't help ourselves from doing. And certainly not falling into an adulterous life style that involved porn while still leading a mega church.
