This morning started out well, Charlotte picked out her new navy blue dress to wear to school today but then refused breakfast - that's always a sign of bad things to come. We made a smoothie hoping she'd drink that on the way to school and thus get something in her tummy but she refused it in the car. I tried everything to cajole her into drinking it to no avail. Upon arriving to school I told her that I'd tell her teacher she didn't have breakfast and that she'd need to drink the smoothie. She bawled. She has this screeching cry that is impossible to talk over. I tried to explain that she needed to have her breakfast in school since she didn't have it in the car or at home. She reluctantly gets out of the car and follows me into the school, while I carry the offending drink.
We arrive to her class and as before she hangs out by the coat rack, just outside the classroom. I drop off her lunch in the class come out and try to convince her to go in. She refuses and suddenly exclaims that she doesn't want to go to school.
We struggle back and forth, I say go into your class, she says no.
I'm done. I simply can't take it anymore. I grab her stuff and say fine let's go. I don't even tell the teacher we are leaving. Down the hallway we go, another teacher says "bye mom, have a nice day" to my grim face. To the lady at the front desk I say, "I'm tired of fighting with her, she doesn't want to stay so we are going home".
I call her dad and say come get your daughter, she refuses to go to school.
In the car she wants to draw, she wants to talk, she wants a pen. I snap at her to be quiet, I'm very angry and not going to talk to her until her dad arrives. Then she cracks my anger wide open with a quiet statement "but I don't want to fight".
I'm upset because I put so much effort into getting her lunch ready, getting her ready for school, getting to work on time and all for nothing. It's not a justifiable anger, she's obviously going through a social panic about school and I'm too absorbed in getting to work to help her through it.
I keep thinking the solution is to leave earlier so she doesn't have to walk into a classroom that is full and so I have time to spend with her in calming her anxiety but to do that I need my husbands support to wake up earlier and help us get out the door at 8am. We talk and talk about how to make our mornings go smoother and more efficiently but until that day when change actually happens, I'm not sure how I can keep balancing work and pre-school.